All about our Konkani wedding
by Sushma Kini
Introduction
If you didn’t already know this — I am a Hindu by religion. And my caste is Gaud Saraswath Brahmins (GSB for short). Historically, Brahmins were supposed to be the scholars in the court who were knowledgeable about Brahma (the creator) and we are a kind of Brahmins who were based along the river Saraswathi (Its name derived from Saraswathi, who is the goddess of Knowledge and Art). We migrated to the Konkan region for better pastures and peaceful life, and the language that we typically speak is known as Konkani. Our wedding is going to be a traditional GSB wedding, with minor additions here and there.
Pre Wedding
Matching our horoscopes
In a typical arranged marriage, the prospective bride and groom’s horoscopes are matched to evaluate compatibility, love, financial stability, longevity, etc., between them. With little to know about the bride and groom, a horoscope match is usually seen as a mechanism to shortlist prospects by both families.
When matching horoscopes, the positions of different celestial bodies (planets, moon & sun) at the time of birth of the bride and the groom are compared. The astrologer then gives a score from 1 to 36. The higher the score, the better the match is. Matches higher than 18 are told to be an acceptable match. We made a horoscope for Connor and matched it with mine! However, our astrologer suggested we do an additional step since Connor and I are not a typical couple (different culture, country, and beliefs) in a Konkani family even if our horoscopes match. This additional step is called Tulabhara and it helps remove any obstacles we might face in our married life.
Tulabhara (Nov 12)
Tula+bhara translates to ‘equivalent weight’. Tulabhara is a ritual where you weigh a person and an equivalent amount of a particular commodity is donated to a temple or an institution. The person sits on one side of the balancing scale during this custom (see picture below). The commodity could be gold, rice, fruits, or anything that is deemed donatable. We plan to weigh both Connor and me separately and donate an equivalent amount of Jaggery to a temple called Dharmasthala. I always knew there is a reason why I am skinny :)
Nandi Pooja (Nov 19)
‘Pooja’ is a term you will hear a lot in a Hindu household, it means worshipping God. Usually, it includes saying prayers (in Sanskrit, or your native language) and performing Aarti. Aarti is an action where you light a few small oil lamps and present them to deities.
Nandi Pooja is a very small yet important ritual that is performed about 10 days before the wedding. It symbolizes the start of the wedding season. During the Nandi Pooja, we worship gods and ancestors to get their blessings for the wedding and ask them to ensure that the wedding ceremony goes on without any hindrance. This Pooja happens in both the bride and groom’s places separately (since we could have different gods and ancestors).
In our case, the bride’s family will perform this ritual for both Connor and me. We proclaim our intention to get married and present the “first invite” to the gods. Typically, after Nandi Pooja is done, invites are sent out to the rest of the wedding party, and all the shopping and the preparations for the wedding begin. But this is extremely challenging in today’s multinational world. However, for the sake of symbolism the bride and any females in the family will purchase a few glass bangles on this day which they will wear on the wedding day and a few near and close family members get official invites for the wedding. These people already know every detail about the wedding beforehand but receive official, physical wedding invites on this day.
Mehendi (Nov 26)
I am pretty sure you have heard of the term Henna tattoo. Mehendi is the traditional word that describes a henna tattoo. This is primarily only done in the bride’s house, where they invite 2-3 professional mehendi artists who will apply mehendi to all the females involved in the wedding (or present in the house for it). The females from the groom’s family go to the bride’s house to take part in this event. The bride gets a very elaborate mehendi design on both of her arms (palm to elbow) and both her legs (feet to knee). Her mehendi design will have a bride and groom on each of her palms who meet in the middle when she holds her palm together.
There is also a minor tradition where the groom’s name (full name or just his initials) is hidden in the bride’s mehendi design, which the groom then needs to find where it is. No, he doesn’t get any rewards for finding his name, just a happy bride. There is also a belief that the darker the mehendi color on the bride’s palm, the more love she will receive from her groom.
Mehendi is a paste made out of dry henna leaves (Lawsonia inermis) which is then filled in a plastic cone bag (just like how you would have icing mixture for your cake, but with a very tiny hole so that the designs could be much more intricate). Using this cone, mehendi designs are applied. It takes about 20-30 mins to dry after which we use lemon juice, sugar syrup, or oil to dampen the mehendi designs on you for the next 2-3 hours. This helps in bringing darker color to your hands/legs. After about 3 hours, when the mehendi paste is dried again, you can peel it off of you very easily. Using water to remove the mehendi is going to harm the color of the design. You will see a light orange color on you first which in 2 days turns into brownish red pigment. It is recommended to not wash dishes, go swimming or have excessive water contact for those 2 days if you want your pigment to survive.
We will have a similar Mehendi ceremony in my family’s house in Bengaluru. Of course, people from all gender are welcome to get mehendi wherever they like. In the past, I have been very impatient with letting the Mehendi sit on my hand for more than 30-60 mins which resulted in not-so-dark mehendi on my hand. But I am going to blame it on Connor if I don’t have a dark mehendi this time.
Haldi (Nov 27)
I don’t remember the Haldi ceremony being a GSB wedding tradition. But with its popularity in other Hindu weddings, it has started becoming popular in GSB weddings as well. Haldi, in Hindi, means turmeric. You might have used turmeric as a spice before, but turmeric is also very good for your skin/face. Turmeric helps in reducing acne and dark circles and brings a natural glow to your face. In this ceremony, both the bride and groom get a turmeric face mask (then extended to hands, legs, and anywhere else deemed appropriate) from every person present at this ceremony.
Imagine it to be like a birthday party where the person whose birthday it is, gets cake shoved on their face, but gentler, with lots of actual skin benefits and with no wastage of cake. Typically, everyone attending this ceremony wears yellow clothing to symbolize the color of the turmeric and also that’s the only way you can hide any turmeric accident on your clothes.
Sangeeth+ (Nov 27)
We are accompanying the Haldi ceremony with Sangeeth. Sangeeth means music. This is not a ceremony but a celebration and can happen on its own or in a combination of any pre-wedding rituals. Everyone in the bride and groom’s family partakes in celebration of the upcoming wedding with lots of dancing and music. There will be dance performances, karaoke, games and a lot of fun stuff. It is also my birthday so we will have cake, without any cake facials.
Wedding Day (Nov 28)
Prarthana
Prarthana means prayer. We start the wedding day with a small prayer at our respective homes. In our case, there will be a prarthana in my house with my family members.
After this, the bride’s brother goes to the groom’s house with a container full of laddoos (a spherical sweet confectionery) to formally invite the groom and his family to the wedding. No, this is not a form of dowry and no, there won’t be any dowry. My brother, Sachin will then bring Connor and his family to the wedding venue.
Yeduru Kansani
When the groom and his family arrive at the wedding venue, the bride’s family will be ready to receive them. ‘Yeduru’ means ‘in front of’ and Kansani means ‘meet’. This ritual is a short gesture to welcome the groom and his family when they ‘first’ meet for the wedding, in front of the wedding venue. The females from the bride’s family welcome the groom’s family by sprinkling rose water (for scent), providing flowers (as an accessory for your hair), and showing a small symbolic mirror to them to help them ‘get ready’ after their ‘long journey’ to reach the bride’s place for the wedding.
Note: The bride doesn’t partake in this ritual, since she is busy getting ready for the day.
Phool Muddhi
Phool means flower and Muddhi means ring. This ceremony consists of just that, flowers and a ring. In a gist, the bride’s family will give the groom a ring and a set of new clothes (no, not dowry, but a gift :P ) and the groom’s family will give the bride a garland of jasmine flowers and a set of new clothes (again, a gift).
During this ceremony, the groom and groomsman will be seated on the stage, and the bride’s father will wash the groom’s feet and present him with the ring and new clothes (preparing him for the wedding). Note: The idea of a groomsman is not the same as the one in the US. Both groomsmen and bridesmaids are supposed to be younger unmarried brothers and sisters of the groom and the bride respectively. Since Connor and I do not have younger siblings, my nephew and niece will fulfill this role.
Urada Muhurth
Urad Dhal is a common lentil used in Indian cooking. Muhurth means time. During Urada Muhurth, it is time for the bride to bond with her bridesmaids and other females in the family by grinding urad dhal. The grinding of the Urad dhal is done using a stone grinder. Typically, the groom also does this with his groomsmen, but we have exempted Connor from doing this one ritual. This activity symbolizes that both bride and groom are currently having a good time with their respective peers (sisters, brothers, and cousins).
After this ritual, the bride changes to the clothes that were gifted to her during the ‘Phool Muddhi’ ceremony, but the groom has different plans.
Kashi Yathra
We are at the halfway point of the wedding rituals. Are you tired of reading about all these rituals? Imagine how the groom might be feeling and all he wanted was a wife. Tired of all the rituals, the groom swears off of all worldly pleasures including his wedding and decides to go off on a pilgrimage to Kashi (modern-day Varanasi, India) with an umbrella and a stick in his hand. Varanasi is where saints go to be saints. The significance of the umbrella is still hazy to me but I believe it has something to do with living a primitive life with an umbrella as a shelter. Connor will symbolize this sentiment by walking up to the front gate of the wedding venue where the bride’s family will stop him and promise him that there won’t be any other rituals but the actual wedding*. Connor will then believe these words and go get ready for his wedding (change of clothes by Connor).
*Conditions apply: Instead, there will be 10 rituals after the actual wedding.
Dharemani
While the groom is getting ready, the bride is also ‘getting ready’ for her wedding time. After she changes clothes, she comes out onto the stage and the mother of the bride will finish the bride’s look by adding the ‘Dharemani’, a necklace. I believe the symbolism of this necklace is that the bride’s family has accepted that they are giving away their daughter. This along with another necklace (Kasthali) that the groom will present to the bride in one of the future rituals symbolizes the married status of the bride.
Mantave hadche
Mantave hadche is a Konkani sentence, which means “bringing them to the dias”. The concept of this tradition is very similar to ‘walking down the aisle’. First, the bride’s father brings the groom down the aisle. The groom is on the stage but the priests hold a big silk cloth in front of him so he doesn’t see the bride while she is walking down the aisle. The groom is supposed to see the bride just before the muhurth (a.k.a The Time). Next, the bride’s maternal uncle brings the bride down the aisle. You will notice that both the bride and the groom will be walking down the aisle with a garland in their hand. I wonder who it is for.
Muhurth
Muhurth is the wedding time that the priest sets as the auspicious time for the wedding to initiate and finish. This is based on Connor and my Hindu zodiac signs. Our muhurth is November 28, 9:50 AM IST. However, muhurth is both the time and the timespan. i.e. It is hard to initiate and finish the wedding at 9:50 AM because there is only one minute and that many rituals. Hence, they (the collective beings who are involved in making the wedding happen) have decided that “Muhurth” is a timespan that will consist of 3 rituals and will happen around the auspicious time, which in our case is 9:50 AM.
Maladharan (Mala - garland, Dharan - wear)
The silk cloth still partitions the bride and groom and they can’t see each other yet. The priest chants a few prayers, talks about the significance of marriage, and offers his blessings. The priest removes the partition allowing the bride and groom to have their first glance at each other. He then asks the bride and the groom to put the garlands on each other. Sometimes there is a little bit of friendly sport between the families to obstruct the bride and the groom from exchanging their garlands. This is mostly done by lifting the bride and the groom to make it unattainable for the other to reach them. Finally, there will be some form of garland on both the bride and the groom.
Kanyadhan
The bride’s parents, especially the father, take the bride’s hands and place them in the groom’s hand with coconut and flowers. I am not sure what the symbolism of coconut and flower is here but the bride’s father is asking the groom to take his daughter in marriage.
Kasthali
The groom accepts the bride’s father’s ask by presenting Kasthali, a necklace (previously mentioned in the Dharemani section) accepting the bride as his wife. They are now pronounced husband and wife.
But wait, we are not done yet. Remember, conditions apply. They still need to do more to “conclude” the wedding ceremony.
Var Pooja
This little tradition typically happens after the “Dharemani” ritual, but in the interest of time (early muhurth) we will be doing this after the wedding ceremony is complete.
‘Var’ means ‘couple’ and ‘Pooja’ means ‘worship/honor’. As the bride's parents prepare to marry their daughter off to the groom, they realize their daughter’s volition and courage to take on a new family, a new name, etc. They reminisce about all the daughters that went through the same process and decide to honor them. In this little tradition, all the married sisters (even the cousins) of the bride are asked to come on the stage and are honored and given gifts by the parents of the bride.
Conclusion
Note: The following rituals are small rituals and my knowledge is not complete regarding the significance of it. But I can tell you what happens in these rituals
After the bride and groom are pronounced husband and wife, everyone prepares to send the bride to her husband’s house.
Laaye shaal
First, a fire is made in a fire pit in the center of the stage (it’s legal). The fire is kindled by adding Laay (puffed rice) and we pray to the fire. Following this, the bride’s eldest uncle presents two silver toe rings to the bride and wears them on her second toe on both feet.
Sapthapadi (Saptha - seven, Padi - steps)
In this ritual, the bride, accompanied by the groom, takes seven steps on seven mounds of rice in the presence of the holy fire. Each step symbolizes a promise that the couple will keep during their marriage.
Var Ubarche (Var - couple, Ubarche - lifting)
The bride’s uncle and aunt lift the bride and the groom in four steps. I am not quite sure what this represents.
Khele kavoche (Khele - banana, Kavoche - eating)
This is probably about the time that I will start complaining that I am hungry. Connor and I will feed each other a banana.
Baglari bosche (Baglari - Door, Bosche - sitting)
As the groom is about to bring his new wife to his house, the groom’s sisters wait at the doorstep to bargain their rights in the family. Now that he has brought a wife, they believe his family line will be seen as the only significant family line in the patriarchal society. To continue to have their significance in the family, they bargain a deal for their future kids, i.e. if you have a son, you will marry her to my daughter, and so on. The world, of course, doesn’t function this way anymore, hence the groom’s sisters ask for gifts. This is a cue for Connor’s sisters to ask him for gifts.
This ritual and next typically happens when the bride arrives at her now husband’s house. But we complete these final rituals at the wedding venue.
Vokkuli
Finally, you all are probably curious about what kind of marriage will Connor and Sushma have, i.e who wears the pants in the relationship? Well, we have a solution for that. To find out who will have the upper hand in the marriage we will play a little game of finding the ring. In a bucket of red water (reddened by using a red powder called Kumkum), the priest will put a ring that Connor and Sushma will have to find. Whoever finds it first will be in charge. So, I guess I will find the ring :)
Update: I found the ring!
